When a Relationship Is Organized Around Antagonism

Some relationships feel confusing not because you are doing something wrong—but because the other person consistently operates from a self-protective, power-oriented stance rather than mutual care. Psychologist Ramani Durvasula describes this pattern as an antagonistic relational style. It’s not defined by occasional conflict or emotional immaturity. Instead, it reflects a reliable way of relating that prioritizes control, advantage, or dominance over shared understanding.

Below are common features of this pattern.

Common Traits of an Antagonistic Relational Style:

A Sense of Entitlement

They expect special consideration or flexibility—without offering the same in return.

• Rules apply differently to them

• Frustration or anger appears when they are inconvenienced

• Fairness feels negotiable if it limits them

Using Others Instrumentally

Relationships are treated as transactions rather than partnerships.

• People are valued for what they provide (support, status, labor, admiration)

• Emotional or practical “taking” is normalized

• Little awareness of the cost to others

Limited Genuine Empathy

This is not just difficulty expressing empathy, but a lack of sustained interest in another person’s inner experience.

• Feelings may be dismissed, minimized, or reframed

• Emotional pain is seen as excessive or inconvenient

• Concern appears mainly when it benefits them

A Need to Be Right or Superior

They often relate from a position of certainty or authority.

• Difficulty tolerating disagreement

• Subtle or overt condescension

• Curiosity and nuance are replaced by judgment

Hostility That May Be Subtle

Aggression isn’t always loud.

• Sarcasm, cutting humor, or chronic criticism

• Withdrawal, stonewalling, or emotional punishment

• A tendency to “win” rather than repair

Manipulation of Reality

Conversations are shaped to protect their position.

• History is revised or denied

• Responsibility is blurred or redirected

• You may leave interactions feeling confused or doubting yourself

Avoidance of Accountability

Repair rarely comes through genuine ownership.

• Apologies are rare, conditional, or strategic

• Harm is reframed as misunderstanding

• Responsibility is shifted onto your reactions

A Hierarchical View of Relationships

There is often an unspoken belief that someone must be “on top.”

• Equality feels threatening or unimportant

• Control is equated with safety or identity

• Power, not mutuality, organizes the relationship

Why This Pattern Is So Disorienting

People in antagonistic dynamics often respond by:

• Over-explaining or over-functioning

• Trying harder to be “reasonable” or understanding

• Questioning their own perceptions

• Hoping that clearer communication will finally change things

The confusion is not a personal failure.

It arises because the relationship is not organized around repair or mutual understanding.

An Important Clarification

This pattern is not primarily about vulnerability or insecurity. It is organized around self-protection through power and control.

Because of this:

• Appealing to empathy often doesn’t work

• Insight alone rarely leads to change

• The impact on the other person tends to be cumulative and predictable

Durvasula, R. (2023). It’s Not You: Identifying and healing from narcissistic people. Post Hill Press